Living and Learning

Last week, I had the new experience of going to court. The not-quite-yet-ex-husband and I had attempted to go to court last month, but they didn't like the way we'd worded things in our separation agreement and sent us away without seeing the judge.

The only good thing about that hiccup was that now I knew exactly where to park, what building to go to, and what courtroom to enter. I also knew I had to get there earlier, because you have to show up BEFORE 9:00 and check in with the clerk. Things went much more smoothly this time around, and I was much more relaxed.

So the judge calls us and the bailiff tells us to stand at these little tables and they have chairs so I'm not sure if I should sit down or not? But we get sworn in and that doesn't seem like an appropriate point to sit, and then the judge is addressing us, so I feel weird sitting, and now it's been too long so I feel weird sitting, so I'm just standing there, trying not to look too awkward. The judge clarifies some more verbiage in the agreement, then she's like, "So you're pregnant."

"Yes."

"And is this gentleman the father?"

"No."

Basically, I'm Hester Prynne, except instead of a scarlet A, I have this giant belly.

Anyhow, unbeknownst to everyone involved, the husband gets default paternity of any kid you pop out while still married. Because of this, once Tater Tot is born, I have to gather all the gentlemen in my life together and fill out three different forms just to assign it to its biological father.

At the end of the day (really, 9:30), the judge granted the divorce and it's official in 4 months.

It was one of those days that I felt like I was starring in a cautionary drama entitled How Not to Live Your Life. Hey, kids! Let's learn about all the ways you can complicate your life by making bad choices!

I've come to terms with the fact that I make (a lot of) (sometimes very big) mistakes, and as I keep moving forward in life there will be more mistakes, and there's no point in dwelling on them beyond seeing what didn't work so I know what to do differently in the future. Until my son invents the time machine, I can't go back and change the past.

And yet - I still feel like a pariah for some reason. So maybe I haven't really come to terms with my mistakes. I guess I'm at some middle ground where I've accepted things for what they are, but it's quite another thing to have your missteps publicly broadcast; the first thing someone sees about you. Like a great big scarlet A.

   

Well, hello there.

I've been thinking of ways to break the news for a month now. I even wrote a lengthy blog post about embracing change and dealing with the unexpected. But it's not right for the situation.

I'm pregnant.

I'm unmistakably, undeniably, visibly pregnant.

It's jarring.

I keep looking for the right way to frame this but ultimately - it's just a fact.

I'm 36, I have three kids, and a fourth one is growing inside me.

Sometime before December, it's going to emerge into the world, one way or another, and I am going to have 4 children.

Three planned; one that just decided to pop in from nowhere. BAM!

I've envisioned a lot of different futures for myself. None of them ever included an unplanned pregnancy. Sure, when I was a kid, I wanted to marry a Russian gymnast and pop out ten kids, but those ten kids were all going to be planned. Then I had one kid and realized how much work and sacrifice they are and realized two or three would suffice.

But - not to worry. Because whatever maternal instincts or hormones I have, they've already kicked in. I already love this peach-sized, alien-looking being whose heartbeat I heard the other day. I'm worrying constantly about its health, just like I did with my first three kids. And I'm looking forward to meeting it, hopefully in November.

Four kids. Good thing I got that minivan.

Life is just full of surprises, isn't it?